When You're Alone..

It should have been mine and my ex's 2 year anniversary yesterday and it was the hardest day I've had ever since he broke up with.


 Him and his new girlfriend are still together. He's going out with my friends. My best friend is going on motorbike rides with him and hanging out with him as if he hasn't completely broken me. All my other friends are still hanging round with him.

I have no one. I have my parents but I have no friends.

That is a fact.

I just need someone who can hate on him with me, who I can stay up with til the early hours of the morning and just cry about how he's moved onto someone else after a few months after telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship and he needed time for himself.

I have no one. I sit in my room crying because I feel betrayed. I feel lonely. I have no friends to go out with and when I do meet my best friend every now and then, she mentions my ex and then I realise that I am alone.

I am very much alone in this world and the only things keeping me busy are my blogs, reading books about fictional characters who find love and are never let down.

I am alone.

And I cannot take it anymore.

When The Ex-Other Half Moves On

So it's been two months tomorrow since the break-up. I've been ok I guess. I've been feeling how you're supposed to feel after a break-up - been out with my friends and slowly but surely getting over it, getting over the heartbreak and the betrayal...

But what are you supposed to do when you're ex-boyfriend/girlfriend moves on? I have no idea. At university, I haven't been going out to the on-site university club in case I bump into him. I mean, the last time that happened, I threw a drink over him so I've been trying to avoid him in case I do that again... Oops. Not just that, but I didn't want to see him with another girl.

Today, I decided to go out. It's my last proper week at university with my flatmates and we wanted to celebrate it with our last night out together. Didn't really go well, I might add.

As soon as I walked through the doors to the club, one of my friends decided to pull me over and tell me that my ex had moved on to another girl who was on his course. I got instantly upset. I ran over to my two best friends and told them. After telling them, I ran outside to get some fresh air and to try and calm down. It didn't work.

My two best friends followed me out and told me that this girl who he had apparently moved on to, wasn't the right girl, my other friend has said the wrong one. They explained to me that they had spoke to my ex last week and got out of him that he was interested in a completely different girl on his course. They were friends, but he was interested. So he isn't actually with her.

Still... The thought of him even being interested in someone else is devastating. The whole reason he broke up with me was because he wasn't ready for a relationship right now and he wanted to concentrate on himself. What a load of bullshit that is if he gets with this other girl on his course. How can he tell me that he's not ready for a relationship but then be interested in someone else only two months later? I know that you can't help it if you like someone, but if he acts on it, if he gets with her, then it's going to be completely against the reasons of why he broke up with me.

I tried to get over it tonight, I really did try. I saw him on the dance floor so I went up to him and said "look, if you're interested in someone else, that's completely fine. I'm happy for you and you have a right to move on, you have my blessing." I gave him a smile and walked away.

1) I'm not happy at all. I'm pretty much dead inside as I write this
2) Jesus Christ, that was a bit quick wasn't it? Two months? I always knew he would move on quick from me, he always does move on quick when a relationship of his ends.
3) HE DOES NOT HAVE MY BLESSING

I know I sound like a completely psycho and a control freak but hey? What do you expect when your ex of two years moves on after two months? I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel or act or what to say.

Nevertheless, I think it's safe to say that I won't be going out as much any more. I don't want to see him, speak to him or have anything to do with him. Not because I'm a huge bitch, but because I'm hurting too much. I was getting better. I was slowly feeling better about myself, but tonight I've taken a billion steps back. If I see him, all it would do is ruin me. And I can't let myself go back to feeling like that again.

A Month On...

It's been a month today. A month since my ex-boyfriend tore my heart into pieces and shit all over it.

I'm ok I think... I mean, I'm still hurting and everytime I think about what's happened, it feels like part of me is dying, but I'm ok.

I was at the university club a couple of weeks ago and I saw my ex there. He was enjoying himself but I hardly recognised him. He seemed cocky. Full of himself. He seemed like he had this massive ego. And my ex was not like that. He's become someone that I would never consider going out with. I don't recognise him anymore.

Whilst I was at the club, I saw him put his arm around a girls shoulders and then later on put his arm around a girls waist (whether it was the same girl, I don't know). I felt so sick. I felt betrayed. I felt confused. Was he doing this because he knew I was there and wanted to show me he didn't give a shit? Or had he actually moved on? I shouldn't have cared. But I did.

So I followed him outside to where he was having a cigarette and I threw my drink over him.
"You alright? You cheater!" I yelled at him. My blood was boiling. Everything seemed to make sense now. He had cheated on me during the end of the relationship. That had to be it. It had to be. You don't just fall out of love with someone for no reason. You don't mess with their heads for no reason. You don't just suddenly feel like you're not ready for a relationship after 2 years. And you don't kiss another girl a few days after we break up. You just don't. He had to have cheated. Scumbag.

"What the fuck?!" he said and I smiled, walking away. I picked up my coat from the cloakroom and walked back to my flat, smiling to myself the whole way, feeling triumphant.

If he wants to be a cruel, whorish, little boy then he can be. I'm living my own life now.

I'm leaving my university and I'm transferring to a different one. Not because of my ex so don't start yelling at me. I wouldn't let a dickhead like him stop me from getting my degree. No. I haven't been happy with my university course since September, so after looking into different universities, I've found one that I really really like.

I've got nothing tying me down to that university. I haven't got a boyfriend anymore, yes. And it is lonely sometimes, but I can now concentrate on myself and not have to worry about if he's going out and cheating on me. I'm getting on with my own life.

I'm surrounding myself with all of my friends and family that truly love me and truly respect me. My friends have been there for me so so much over the past month and I cannot thank them or love them enough for what they have done.

My parents have been bending over backwards to make sure I'm ok and have put up with my many mental breakdowns. I'm so grateful.

I'm not ready to meet anyone new yet. Sure, I've been approached by attractive guys and flirted with and I may have flirted back slightly, but I'm not interested and I won't be for a very long time.

I thought my ex was the one. I thought I would have a life with him. But now, he's ruined any chance at all of us getting back together. I'm not taking him back. No way.

So it's time to move on. Put all this crap behind me and start putting the future of my education into perspective. It's time to become the journalist that I know I can be.

My Heart Is Broken and I Don't Know What To Do

On the 21st February 2016, my boyfriend, my best friend, the man that I deemed to be the love of my life, broke up with me.

After coming back from the cinema with my friends to (ironically) see 'How To Be Single', I met up with him and asked if he had an answer. He said "yes". So we were outside and I was waiting for him to finish his cigarette and we were just chatting away, everything seemed fine. He didn't seem nervous or fidgety or sad. Everything was fine.

We go upstairs to his bedroom and I sit down on the bed, he takes one look at me and he says "I can't be in a relationship right now, I need to concentrate on myself". For a few minutes I just sat there. No tears, nothing.

Suddenly, it clicked. He was breaking up with me. The man who had said a week before that he definitely wanted to be with me and that he wanted to work on the relationship, the man who was still in love with me, the man who cared for me so much was breaking up with me. Because he wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now, at this moment in his life.

If he wasn't ready for a relationship, why was he with me for a previous 2 years?!

I started having a mental breakdown. I grabbed him and cradled him in my arms, begging him not to break up with me. "I'll do anything! We can compromise! Please don't leave me, don't do this to us! I'll do anything!" I was sobbing over and over again. I didn't want to let him go. Tears were streaming down his face and falling onto my leggings, he was hysterically crying as well.

This is not the emotion of a man who wants to break up with me.

I asked if we could have a cuddle. He said "ok, we can have a cuddle whilst I think about everything". So there we were, lying in his bed crying and cuddling. I asked him if he had his final decision and he just said "hold me whilst I'm thinking". So I did. I cuddled him and I didn't let go.

Finally he said "if we did compromise and we just saw each other a few times a week instead of every day, could you do that?" I replied "yes". Was he stupid? Of course I could handle seeing him a few times a week, I just wanted to be with him. But then all hope came crashing down when he said "but what if we do give it a go, we do compromise and in a few days, weeks or months, I'm still unsure or I become unsure again? I don't want to hurt you again like this, it's not fair".

"But at least we would have tried! At least we would have given it a go and if it didn't work out that time, we know it's just not going to work. At least we would have tried!" I said.

I could see all hope disappearing and I suddenly couldn't breathe. 'He's going to actually go through with this and break up with me', I thought.

"I can't," he said whilst streaming tears "I can't hurt you again, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to be in a relationship right now."

"What do you mean by that though?! I don't understand." I said. I didn't understand how he couldn't be ready for a relationship. And apparently, neither did he. "I don't know..."

"So that's your final answer then? You're breaking up with me?" I asked. He nodded. I pushed myself up off his chest, sat up and took my necklace off that he bought me that says 'I love you' on it. I gave it to him and he said "don't you want this anymore?"

"What would I do with it? You've broken up with me." I looked at him and then walked out the door and as soon as I did, I couldn't breathe. I went back into his room, gave him a hug and he was kissing my forehead and crying and hugging me tightly. I asked him for a kiss, so I gave him a kiss, kissed him on his forehead and he said "stay strong ok? I love you so much". I nodded, told him I loved him too and I walked out of his door for the last time.

I collapsed in a fit of tears on the other side of the door and it took me a couple of minutes to get up and walk downstairs so I could get outside.

As soon as I walked outside, I broke down crying, phoned my Mom and Dad and told them what had happened. I couldn't breathe. I thought that the world had stopped moving and I was all alone. I thought I was going to be sick.

My Mom said that she was going to come up to my university, so whilst she was driving here, I stayed with my flatmates and told them what had happened. It felt disgusting to say "he broke up with me."


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We move onto 24th February. I realised that I did actually want my necklace. I had been sleeping with a photograph of the two of us, telling the photograph about my day and crying over it. I had been a mess for the last few days.

I had been to see a counsellor and a doctor and they put me on 50mg of the antidepressant, Sertraline.

So it was Wednesday 24th February. I met up with him outside so he could give me my necklace back and we stayed outside for nearly an hour talking about how university had been, how each other had been.

"It's nice that we can talk civil after everything that's happened" he said. I thought about what he said for a bit and I disagreed completely. "No. Because we're talking how we did when we were together. Yeah, it's nice but it hurts." I told him.

"Do you regret it?" I asked him. "Do you regret breaking up with me?"

"Part of me does yeah..." he replied. He had replied to a text that I had sent him on the Monday after we broke up saying that he had never felt pain like this before in his life, that he missed me and that he loved me so much. He said that he's going to want to keep checking up on me to see how I'm doing but he can't. He said that it isn't healthy if we text each other.

He still uses the lighter that I bought him for Christmas. I had it engraved with "To ____, I love you, from _____ x"

His emotions, his crying, the emotional words that he's telling me, do not add up to him breaking up with me. They just don't.

I found out he's going to see a counsellor on the 8th to talk about how stressful university is and I'm hoping he talks about us and comes to the realisation that he's made a mistake,

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Now it's 1st March. It's been over a week. I'm no longer talking to the photograph but I sleep with it underneath my pillow.

I'm still checking Facebook to see when he's online to see if he changes his profile picture of us two or not (on the Wednesday I met him, I asked why he hadn't changed the relationship status or his profile picture and he said that he wasn't ready to do that yet).

I changed my relationship status yesterday. But I changed the privacy so that only I can see it. I didn't want to change it to 'single' and then get a billion inboxes on Facebook asking what happened. By me changing my relationship status, it's taken my name off his relationship status. So instead of it saying on his profile "in a relationship with _________ since ________", it just says "in a relationship since_______".

I thought that me changing my status would make him change his photo, but it hasn't. He still has it.

Every day has been so hard. I've been constantly thinking about him and what he's thinking. I've been wondering if he still loves me. I've been wondering if he's over me. I've been wondering if he completely regrets it but he's scared to come back to me in case he looks like an idiot. I've been thinking about if he's seeing someone else and that's why he suddenly broke up with me out of the blue.

Every single thought has been going through my head and it's been so draining.

But I've gotten rid of any hope that I had about us getting back together and I've conditioned myself to think that this is it. We're not going to get back together because he doesn't want me. I've thrown myself into my family and friends and I've tried to keep myself busy.

Everyone that I have spoken to doesn't understand why he's broken up with me. They say his reasonings don't make sense. But I can't think about that anymore. I know I need to concentrate on myself, I need to look after myself, I know it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I need to. Because that's what he's doing.

He could be living life completely fine. He might not even miss me. He might not even care. There's a good chance he could be lying to me about the reason he broke up with me, there's a good chance he doesn't love me anymore, he was just saying that to make it a "nice" break-up.

All I want is to hold him, to cuddle him, to talk to him about how shitty my days at university are, to go to the cinema with him like we used to, to watch TV like we used to. But I will never get that back with him. Because he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Because that hour and a half he spent with me a day was never that important. That hour and a half a day he spent with me, he won't have anymore and apparently having that extra time will be life-changing.

I just want him back. That's all I want. But I can't think like that. I can't.

I'm single. I'm single. I'm single.

Birmingham

It was perfect. I don't know any other way to describe it. But I saw him waiting for me outside a little cafe and it felt like my body was going to explode with happiness.

I didn't run up and hug him, I was holding a tripod and a camera and all of my arms were taken up. I also felt a bit awkward; I didn't know what to say to him so I just said "at least you can help me carry this equipment now". Not really the best way to greet your boyfriend when he could be breaking up with you the next day.

I had to remember: Smiles! Smile all the time, laugh all the time, joke all the time. Just fake everything.

It was ok at first, he asked me about my night out on Friday night and I asked him about his and then we walked in silence for a few minutes until we got to Subway. It was hard to ignore the massive elephant in the room and even though I said to him that we shouldn't talk about the whole situation, I felt like we had to, just to get it out the way.

So we sat in Subway and we started to talk about it and out of nowhere, he started cry. Full blown crying. He's been crying like this for the last few days. This is not the emotions of a man who wants to end his amazing 2-year relationship. After talking for about 15 minutes we decided it was time for me to go and film and after that conversation, everything went back to how it usually is with us two.

We were laughing and joking, talking like normal and it was so nice. This is what I wanted. I didn't have to fake a smile or fake a laugh, everything was real. I needed this; my anxiety was forgotten and I didn't feel nervous or sick. I needed him to see what he would be missing if we broke up.

After finishing filming, he went shoe shopping and after he splurged on some Nike's, we sat down and for an hour we were just taking in each other. This might be the last day that we get to spend with each other and for that hour we were crying, holding hands and just having some personal time to ourselves. It's cliche, but it genuinely felt like we were the only two there. He was the only person I wanted to be with and the only person I wanted to look at.

That will be the truth for a very long time. If tonight, everything goes wrong and he breaks up with me, I know that a part of both of us will always love the other. We have that deep connection that I've always wanted in a relationship and if we don't work out, I'm just going to have to get through it - as heart-breaking as that will be.

Hopefully, he will give me an answer tonight... If he hasn't made up his mind about what he wants to do then I will give him only a few more days because I feel emotionally empty. I have so many more tears left but I just can't cry anymore, I feel broken from this last week and a half and all I want - all I need - is him in my life making me happy like he has done for nearly 2 years.

The Train Journey

I was on the train to meet my boyfriend in Birmingham to do some filming for my university course. It was already a pre conceived plan so we decided to go ahead with it because he said "yes, I still want to help you."  

So that was that. 

The train journey was 50 minutes of me thinking. Of me feeling like all I wanted to do was bang on the windows and scream and cry. I kept praying over and over in my mind that today would go ok. I was in the mindset that if I can spend a happy day with him today, it could sway his decision for tomorrow night. 

Wishful thinking I know. But it was the first time in 2 days I'd thought a positive thought and I was holding onto it. 

I kept thinking about the moment I would see him in the station. Probably wearing dark blue jeans, maybe his Punisher Tshirt, his leather jacket and his signature beanie. 

I kept thinking that all I would want to do is run up to him and hug him and cry and say over and over again "I don't want to lose you". But I couldn't. Because today in Birmingham, I wasn't allowed to be quiet or moody. I had to act as if everything was normal, like my heart wasn't being ripped out of my chest, like there wasn't a dark cloud following me every there. I had to act happy. 

And for someone who could be single tomorrow, I had to make my (maybe) last full day with him as happy as I could  

I Could Be Single Tomorrow

The title of this post explains it all.

I could be single tomorrow. No, this isn't me saying "oh me and boyfriend are so happy right now but there's a minuscule chance I could be single this time tomorrow". No. This is me saying that there is a 50% chance that I could be single by tomorrow night.

Why I hear you ask?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years (we're 3 months away) and coincidentally we wanted to go to the same university. So here we both are, at the same uni and have been since September.

We've always been an amazing couple, we've done the cliched 'play-fights', the 'no, I love you more' 'arguments' and the normally cheesiness of being in a long-term, happy relationship.

This slightly changed when we came to university. I didn't know that my anxiety would rule the relationship and that I would be that kind of girlfriend that gets paranoid when he goes out (I never used to), I never thought I'd be that kind of girlfriend that becomes dependent (since I'm such an independent person) and I never thought that I'd be the kind of girlfriend that becomes majorly insecure when he goes to study in a girls bedroom.

But that's what I turned into.

But we managed. He helped me through everything, stood by my side when I did get paranoid, and hugged me and told me everything was going to be ok and that he loved me more than anything.

The past week however, has been hell.

For the past month, we've been arguing slightly more than usual. But this is due to the fact that university isn't what we both thought it would be. Neither me nor him were prepared to be stressed out to the max by our courses, we weren't prepared to not like our course and he wasn't prepared about the fact that he might not make any close friends.

But again, we helped each other through all of this until a week and a half ago, it got too much for both of us.

I asked him if he needed to take time whilst I was in Holland for four days to think about whether or not he wanted to be in this relationship. I was in this for the long-haul, I felt like he was in it for the joy-ride.

So he did, he took the time whilst I was away and thought about the question I asked him.

One night in Holland, we were on the phone and he told me 'he definitely wants this relationship to work' and 'he wanted us'. He wanted me. He told me that 'I love you' me but then... He told me 'I don't know if I'm IN love with you'.

Now to some of you reading this, the fact that your significant other may not be in love with you anymore may not bother you, I mean it's something that you can work on right? But to me it was like the end of the world. I stressed about, my anxiety hit 1000% and it got so bad that I passed out in the middle of a store in Holland with my family around me.

Not good.

My boyfriend and I had planned to talk about everything - including whether he was in love with me or not - the night I came back to uni, which was also the night I came back from Holland.

His answer?

He still didn't know.

His reason?

He didn't know how to differentiate between knowing if you're in love with someone or not. I told him that you just know, it's like a deeper connection that you feel and you can just feel it in your gut.

I gave him time to think about it and I prayed to God he would fall in love with again.

Yesterday we had another conversation. He told me that he realised he was in love with me (YEEESSSSS!!! I hear you scream) but something majorly upsetting and worrying followed that statement.

The day he realised he was in love with me was also the day that he thought 'but do I want to be in this relationship? Do I want this? Is this the right time for being to be in a relationship?'

I completely understand where he's coming from. University is stressful, it puts stress on couple and it's a boundary that you either overcome or not. There's no in between. He wasn't enjoying his course and he wanted to do a different one, he didn't really have many friends and he wanted more independence, he wanted time to concentrate on himself. Those were his reasons.

1) He had already took action to see if he could change to a different course, so that's a bit of stress taken off him

2) He had started going out with some of the guys to the uni club and it had made him happier, so that's another thing that he'd taken action with and had relieved some on his stress.

So that just leaves me and him. The relationship. He wanted more independence but the truth is, we only see each other for about an hour and a half a day, and considering we live 30 seconds away from each other, that's not a lot, but I took that hour and a half and I made it worthwhile.

What does he want?

He took the weekend to make this massive decision and tomorrow night when he comes back to university, he's going to tell me if he wants this relationship or not.

Fun.

For the past 2 days, all I've eaten is a pot noodle, I've felt sick every second of the day and I've been crying my eyes out for the most of them too.

The thought that keeps going through my head is "he can't throw a 2 year relationship away can he? He just can't. He said he's still in love with me, he's said that he loves me so so so much, so why throw it away? Why can't we work on that bit of independence he wants and I can give him more time for himself? I'll be ok with that as long as we're together. As long as I keep getting to hug him and kiss him and fall asleep with him holding me."

I'm living in lasts at the moment and I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest. Yesterday might have been the last time we watch our programme together, yesterday might have been the last time I cuddle him in bed...

If anyone reading this is going through the same thing, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that you're feeling as much pain as I am right now and I hope to God it works out for you.

Because tomorrow, I could be single.