The Train Journey

I was on the train to meet my boyfriend in Birmingham to do some filming for my university course. It was already a pre conceived plan so we decided to go ahead with it because he said "yes, I still want to help you."  

So that was that. 

The train journey was 50 minutes of me thinking. Of me feeling like all I wanted to do was bang on the windows and scream and cry. I kept praying over and over in my mind that today would go ok. I was in the mindset that if I can spend a happy day with him today, it could sway his decision for tomorrow night. 

Wishful thinking I know. But it was the first time in 2 days I'd thought a positive thought and I was holding onto it. 

I kept thinking about the moment I would see him in the station. Probably wearing dark blue jeans, maybe his Punisher Tshirt, his leather jacket and his signature beanie. 

I kept thinking that all I would want to do is run up to him and hug him and cry and say over and over again "I don't want to lose you". But I couldn't. Because today in Birmingham, I wasn't allowed to be quiet or moody. I had to act as if everything was normal, like my heart wasn't being ripped out of my chest, like there wasn't a dark cloud following me every there. I had to act happy. 

And for someone who could be single tomorrow, I had to make my (maybe) last full day with him as happy as I could