I Could Be Single Tomorrow

The title of this post explains it all.

I could be single tomorrow. No, this isn't me saying "oh me and boyfriend are so happy right now but there's a minuscule chance I could be single this time tomorrow". No. This is me saying that there is a 50% chance that I could be single by tomorrow night.

Why I hear you ask?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years (we're 3 months away) and coincidentally we wanted to go to the same university. So here we both are, at the same uni and have been since September.

We've always been an amazing couple, we've done the cliched 'play-fights', the 'no, I love you more' 'arguments' and the normally cheesiness of being in a long-term, happy relationship.

This slightly changed when we came to university. I didn't know that my anxiety would rule the relationship and that I would be that kind of girlfriend that gets paranoid when he goes out (I never used to), I never thought I'd be that kind of girlfriend that becomes dependent (since I'm such an independent person) and I never thought that I'd be the kind of girlfriend that becomes majorly insecure when he goes to study in a girls bedroom.

But that's what I turned into.

But we managed. He helped me through everything, stood by my side when I did get paranoid, and hugged me and told me everything was going to be ok and that he loved me more than anything.

The past week however, has been hell.

For the past month, we've been arguing slightly more than usual. But this is due to the fact that university isn't what we both thought it would be. Neither me nor him were prepared to be stressed out to the max by our courses, we weren't prepared to not like our course and he wasn't prepared about the fact that he might not make any close friends.

But again, we helped each other through all of this until a week and a half ago, it got too much for both of us.

I asked him if he needed to take time whilst I was in Holland for four days to think about whether or not he wanted to be in this relationship. I was in this for the long-haul, I felt like he was in it for the joy-ride.

So he did, he took the time whilst I was away and thought about the question I asked him.

One night in Holland, we were on the phone and he told me 'he definitely wants this relationship to work' and 'he wanted us'. He wanted me. He told me that 'I love you' me but then... He told me 'I don't know if I'm IN love with you'.

Now to some of you reading this, the fact that your significant other may not be in love with you anymore may not bother you, I mean it's something that you can work on right? But to me it was like the end of the world. I stressed about, my anxiety hit 1000% and it got so bad that I passed out in the middle of a store in Holland with my family around me.

Not good.

My boyfriend and I had planned to talk about everything - including whether he was in love with me or not - the night I came back to uni, which was also the night I came back from Holland.

His answer?

He still didn't know.

His reason?

He didn't know how to differentiate between knowing if you're in love with someone or not. I told him that you just know, it's like a deeper connection that you feel and you can just feel it in your gut.

I gave him time to think about it and I prayed to God he would fall in love with again.

Yesterday we had another conversation. He told me that he realised he was in love with me (YEEESSSSS!!! I hear you scream) but something majorly upsetting and worrying followed that statement.

The day he realised he was in love with me was also the day that he thought 'but do I want to be in this relationship? Do I want this? Is this the right time for being to be in a relationship?'

I completely understand where he's coming from. University is stressful, it puts stress on couple and it's a boundary that you either overcome or not. There's no in between. He wasn't enjoying his course and he wanted to do a different one, he didn't really have many friends and he wanted more independence, he wanted time to concentrate on himself. Those were his reasons.

1) He had already took action to see if he could change to a different course, so that's a bit of stress taken off him

2) He had started going out with some of the guys to the uni club and it had made him happier, so that's another thing that he'd taken action with and had relieved some on his stress.

So that just leaves me and him. The relationship. He wanted more independence but the truth is, we only see each other for about an hour and a half a day, and considering we live 30 seconds away from each other, that's not a lot, but I took that hour and a half and I made it worthwhile.

What does he want?

He took the weekend to make this massive decision and tomorrow night when he comes back to university, he's going to tell me if he wants this relationship or not.

Fun.

For the past 2 days, all I've eaten is a pot noodle, I've felt sick every second of the day and I've been crying my eyes out for the most of them too.

The thought that keeps going through my head is "he can't throw a 2 year relationship away can he? He just can't. He said he's still in love with me, he's said that he loves me so so so much, so why throw it away? Why can't we work on that bit of independence he wants and I can give him more time for himself? I'll be ok with that as long as we're together. As long as I keep getting to hug him and kiss him and fall asleep with him holding me."

I'm living in lasts at the moment and I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest. Yesterday might have been the last time we watch our programme together, yesterday might have been the last time I cuddle him in bed...

If anyone reading this is going through the same thing, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that you're feeling as much pain as I am right now and I hope to God it works out for you.

Because tomorrow, I could be single.