On the 21st February 2016, my boyfriend, my best friend, the man that I deemed to be the love of my life, broke up with me.
After coming back from the cinema with my friends to (ironically) see 'How To Be Single', I met up with him and asked if he had an answer. He said "yes". So we were outside and I was waiting for him to finish his cigarette and we were just chatting away, everything seemed fine. He didn't seem nervous or fidgety or sad. Everything was fine.
We go upstairs to his bedroom and I sit down on the bed, he takes one look at me and he says "I can't be in a relationship right now, I need to concentrate on myself". For a few minutes I just sat there. No tears, nothing.
Suddenly, it clicked. He was breaking up with me. The man who had said a week before that he definitely wanted to be with me and that he wanted to work on the relationship, the man who was still in love with me, the man who cared for me so much was breaking up with me. Because he wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now, at this moment in his life.
If he wasn't ready for a relationship, why was he with me for a previous 2 years?!
I started having a mental breakdown. I grabbed him and cradled him in my arms, begging him not to break up with me. "I'll do anything! We can compromise! Please don't leave me, don't do this to us! I'll do anything!" I was sobbing over and over again. I didn't want to let him go. Tears were streaming down his face and falling onto my leggings, he was hysterically crying as well.
This is not the emotion of a man who wants to break up with me.
I asked if we could have a cuddle. He said "ok, we can have a cuddle whilst I think about everything". So there we were, lying in his bed crying and cuddling. I asked him if he had his final decision and he just said "hold me whilst I'm thinking". So I did. I cuddled him and I didn't let go.
Finally he said "if we did compromise and we just saw each other a few times a week instead of every day, could you do that?" I replied "yes". Was he stupid? Of course I could handle seeing him a few times a week, I just wanted to be with him. But then all hope came crashing down when he said "but what if we do give it a go, we do compromise and in a few days, weeks or months, I'm still unsure or I become unsure again? I don't want to hurt you again like this, it's not fair".
"But at least we would have tried! At least we would have given it a go and if it didn't work out that time, we know it's just not going to work. At least we would have tried!" I said.
I could see all hope disappearing and I suddenly couldn't breathe. 'He's going to actually go through with this and break up with me', I thought.
"I can't," he said whilst streaming tears "I can't hurt you again, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to be in a relationship right now."
"What do you mean by that though?! I don't understand." I said. I didn't understand how he couldn't be ready for a relationship. And apparently, neither did he. "I don't know..."
"So that's your final answer then? You're breaking up with me?" I asked. He nodded. I pushed myself up off his chest, sat up and took my necklace off that he bought me that says 'I love you' on it. I gave it to him and he said "don't you want this anymore?"
"What would I do with it? You've broken up with me." I looked at him and then walked out the door and as soon as I did, I couldn't breathe. I went back into his room, gave him a hug and he was kissing my forehead and crying and hugging me tightly. I asked him for a kiss, so I gave him a kiss, kissed him on his forehead and he said "stay strong ok? I love you so much". I nodded, told him I loved him too and I walked out of his door for the last time.
I collapsed in a fit of tears on the other side of the door and it took me a couple of minutes to get up and walk downstairs so I could get outside.
As soon as I walked outside, I broke down crying, phoned my Mom and Dad and told them what had happened. I couldn't breathe. I thought that the world had stopped moving and I was all alone. I thought I was going to be sick.
My Mom said that she was going to come up to my university, so whilst she was driving here, I stayed with my flatmates and told them what had happened. It felt disgusting to say "he broke up with me."
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We move onto 24th February. I realised that I did actually want my necklace. I had been sleeping with a photograph of the two of us, telling the photograph about my day and crying over it. I had been a mess for the last few days.
I had been to see a counsellor and a doctor and they put me on 50mg of the antidepressant, Sertraline.
So it was Wednesday 24th February. I met up with him outside so he could give me my necklace back and we stayed outside for nearly an hour talking about how university had been, how each other had been.
"It's nice that we can talk civil after everything that's happened" he said. I thought about what he said for a bit and I disagreed completely. "No. Because we're talking how we did when we were together. Yeah, it's nice but it hurts." I told him.
"Do you regret it?" I asked him. "Do you regret breaking up with me?"
"Part of me does yeah..." he replied. He had replied to a text that I had sent him on the Monday after we broke up saying that he had never felt pain like this before in his life, that he missed me and that he loved me so much. He said that he's going to want to keep checking up on me to see how I'm doing but he can't. He said that it isn't healthy if we text each other.
He still uses the lighter that I bought him for Christmas. I had it engraved with "To ____, I love you, from _____ x"
His emotions, his crying, the emotional words that he's telling me, do not add up to him breaking up with me. They just don't.
I found out he's going to see a counsellor on the 8th to talk about how stressful university is and I'm hoping he talks about us and comes to the realisation that he's made a mistake,
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Now it's 1st March. It's been over a week. I'm no longer talking to the photograph but I sleep with it underneath my pillow.
I'm still checking Facebook to see when he's online to see if he changes his profile picture of us two or not (on the Wednesday I met him, I asked why he hadn't changed the relationship status or his profile picture and he said that he wasn't ready to do that yet).
I changed my relationship status yesterday. But I changed the privacy so that only I can see it. I didn't want to change it to 'single' and then get a billion inboxes on Facebook asking what happened. By me changing my relationship status, it's taken my name off his relationship status. So instead of it saying on his profile "in a relationship with _________ since ________", it just says "in a relationship since_______".
I thought that me changing my status would make him change his photo, but it hasn't. He still has it.
Every day has been so hard. I've been constantly thinking about him and what he's thinking. I've been wondering if he still loves me. I've been wondering if he's over me. I've been wondering if he completely regrets it but he's scared to come back to me in case he looks like an idiot. I've been thinking about if he's seeing someone else and that's why he suddenly broke up with me out of the blue.
Every single thought has been going through my head and it's been so draining.
But I've gotten rid of any hope that I had about us getting back together and I've conditioned myself to think that this is it. We're not going to get back together because he doesn't want me. I've thrown myself into my family and friends and I've tried to keep myself busy.
Everyone that I have spoken to doesn't understand why he's broken up with me. They say his reasonings don't make sense. But I can't think about that anymore. I know I need to concentrate on myself, I need to look after myself, I know it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I need to. Because that's what he's doing.
He could be living life completely fine. He might not even miss me. He might not even care. There's a good chance he could be lying to me about the reason he broke up with me, there's a good chance he doesn't love me anymore, he was just saying that to make it a "nice" break-up.
All I want is to hold him, to cuddle him, to talk to him about how shitty my days at university are, to go to the cinema with him like we used to, to watch TV like we used to. But I will never get that back with him. Because he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Because that hour and a half he spent with me a day was never that important. That hour and a half a day he spent with me, he won't have anymore and apparently having that extra time will be life-changing.
I just want him back. That's all I want. But I can't think like that. I can't.
I'm single. I'm single. I'm single.
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