Birmingham

It was perfect. I don't know any other way to describe it. But I saw him waiting for me outside a little cafe and it felt like my body was going to explode with happiness.

I didn't run up and hug him, I was holding a tripod and a camera and all of my arms were taken up. I also felt a bit awkward; I didn't know what to say to him so I just said "at least you can help me carry this equipment now". Not really the best way to greet your boyfriend when he could be breaking up with you the next day.

I had to remember: Smiles! Smile all the time, laugh all the time, joke all the time. Just fake everything.

It was ok at first, he asked me about my night out on Friday night and I asked him about his and then we walked in silence for a few minutes until we got to Subway. It was hard to ignore the massive elephant in the room and even though I said to him that we shouldn't talk about the whole situation, I felt like we had to, just to get it out the way.

So we sat in Subway and we started to talk about it and out of nowhere, he started cry. Full blown crying. He's been crying like this for the last few days. This is not the emotions of a man who wants to end his amazing 2-year relationship. After talking for about 15 minutes we decided it was time for me to go and film and after that conversation, everything went back to how it usually is with us two.

We were laughing and joking, talking like normal and it was so nice. This is what I wanted. I didn't have to fake a smile or fake a laugh, everything was real. I needed this; my anxiety was forgotten and I didn't feel nervous or sick. I needed him to see what he would be missing if we broke up.

After finishing filming, he went shoe shopping and after he splurged on some Nike's, we sat down and for an hour we were just taking in each other. This might be the last day that we get to spend with each other and for that hour we were crying, holding hands and just having some personal time to ourselves. It's cliche, but it genuinely felt like we were the only two there. He was the only person I wanted to be with and the only person I wanted to look at.

That will be the truth for a very long time. If tonight, everything goes wrong and he breaks up with me, I know that a part of both of us will always love the other. We have that deep connection that I've always wanted in a relationship and if we don't work out, I'm just going to have to get through it - as heart-breaking as that will be.

Hopefully, he will give me an answer tonight... If he hasn't made up his mind about what he wants to do then I will give him only a few more days because I feel emotionally empty. I have so many more tears left but I just can't cry anymore, I feel broken from this last week and a half and all I want - all I need - is him in my life making me happy like he has done for nearly 2 years.